Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Kansas City Chiefs

Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Kansas City Chefs. GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY. Your 2014 record: 9-7. You Chiefs fans have now experienced the full portfolio of what Andy Reid has to offer. You’ve had your crushing playoff collapse. And now you’ve had your deadening, mediocre season to follow up that collapse. You’ve run the gamut. Oh, and did the Chiefs hand the 0-10 Raiders their first win of the season last year? You know they did. Life with Andy Reid means experiencing at least one utterly inexplicable loss to a horrid team every season. Your coach: OHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH! It never gets old. Whenever I’m sad (all the time), I only need to look at that gif to feel good about life again. It’s a wellspring of spiritual renewal for me. Some people have pedicures. I have Andy Reid fat jokes. I bet you can hear Andy Reid breathing from space. Your quarterback: It’s still Alex Smith! GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Hey Travis Kelce, what do you think of having Alex Smith as your QB? That’s 30 million dollars the Chiefs dumped into Alex Smith and his lacerated spleen last summer. Their return on investment was ZERO wideout touchdowns. ZERO. In a full season. How the fuck does that happen? How can that be? You have to conspire to do this. I’ll never get over it. If you can’t get a wideout to score over the course of an entire season, you’re an awful quarterback and anyone who says otherwise is lying to himself. Alex Smith threw a measly 18 TD passes last season. He barely passed for over 3,000 yards. His yards-per-attempt can be measured on a child’s foot. The only nice thing you can say about Alex Smith is that he rarely turns the ball over. WELL, NO SHIT! Turning the ball over requires risk. You know who else never turns the ball over? A QB who takes a knee on every play. That’s Alex Smith. He is your passing game’s white flag. Zero wideout touchdowns. My God. What’s new that sucks: Well, Jeremy Maclin is here. I guess he wanted to get in on the no-scoring action as well. What good is a deep threat for a QB who can’t throw deep? In Andy Reid’s offense, Jeremy Maclin will be the perfect decoy for fullback dumpoff passes. SO VERY DANGEROUS. Andy Reid’s offense is the spiritual equivalent of Julianne Moore’s character in the movie Safe. It is the Bubble Boy offense. Jeremy Maclin will waste years of his life here. Pro Bowl guard Ben Grubbs is also here. But again, what does it matter? You could have the finest wideouts and linemen in the world playing for this team, and every play would still be a shovel pass to the second-string tight end. Andy Reid and Alex Smith have conspired to devise the least threatening NFL offense of all time. You don’t even have to do anything to stop them, defensively. You just give them their two yards every play, and watch them walk off the field oddly satisfied with their handiwork. At least they got rid of Dwayne Bowe. What has always sucked: Do you know Jamaal Charles barely cracked a thousand yards last season despite playing 15 games? And he averaged five yards per carry! How was he not better? How did he not get the ball more? Andy Reid hates passing deep and he hates running the ball. What else is there left for an offense to do? I can’t stop harping on the fact that this team has discovered some form of offensive anti-matter. They huddle up and a giant black orb forms at the center of the field, crushing everything near it. Stadium concession providers have to poison your food to distract you from the horrors of the on-field product… On defense, the team signed end Justin Houston to a record deal AND Eric Berry has returned from beating cancer. Those are good things. I think every Chiefs fan feels great about those things. They also know all that goodwill will be squandered by Week 3, when a 4-sack performance by Houston is negated by Smith going 20-25 for three yards. No wonder Husain Abdullah prays when he scores: it’s a damn miracle. I also understand why the refs penalized him for dropping to his knees after the fact. They were so stunned by the fact that the Chiefs scored that they didn’t know quite how to react. THEY SCORED! THEY MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING ILLEGAL! By the way, Husain’s TD celebration inspired this tweet last season, which is just the best tweet ever… The CHRISTIAN LIVES MATTER ribbon makes it. I dunno if this man is a Chiefs fan, but I love his Twitter feed all the same. Anyway, the Chiefs exist now as early round playoff lunch meat. They gave up a home game to London just because Roger Goodell pretended to consider their dump of a stadium for hosting a Super Bowl. They are the league’s straight man, here to take a pie to the face for your enjoyment. Being a Chiefs fan means you never get to be the hero. You don’t get the girl. You don’t get any of the good lines. You are a minor obstacle for the main characters—Patriots, Broncos, Colts, etc.—to overcome on the path to glory. You will always be a supporting player in some other person’s story. You are The Baxter. Andy Reid will make sure of it. What might not suck: Travis Kelce! Travis Kelce is an amusing fellow… And their fans have their moments too… You make do with what life gives you, you know? Hear it from Chiefs fans! KC: Nothing they do matters. Aaron: They haven’t beaten the Broncos since the fivehead cyborg arrived and probably won’t again until he retires. Evan: Fuck Scott Pioli with a concrete dildo always and forever. Joe: Our fanbase has this dumb, weird vendetta against Seattle and the “loudest NFL stadium” idiocy. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF OUR STADIUM IS LOUDER WHEN THEY WENT TO THE GODDAMN SUPERBOWL YOU MONGOLOIDS. Ian: 1. The have decibel contests against the Seahawks. The Seahawks have been to two consecutive Super Bowls. Joe Montana and Marcus Allen won our last playoff game. 2. Dee Ford runs away from the ball carrier. Wes: Here are actual things I have heard about Alex Smith since his arrival in Kansas City: “He is just like Aaron Rodgers except more of a game-manager” “He is just like Tom Brady except can run and doesn’t take as many risks” “The reason the 49ers went with Kaepernick before him was that didn’t like his style of play. He is clearly the better of the two” “Behind Manning and Brady I don’t think there is a better quarterback in the AFC” “He’s probably the best scrambler in the league behind Michael Vick” (circa 2014) The most redeeming quality about our coach is that he could probably eat another coach if provoked. Jim: Chiefs fans believe that our favorite team is among the proudest and most storied franchises in NFL history. Never mind the fact that we’ve won three playoff games in 45 years and zero in the last 21 years. In reality, the only thing we have over the Browns is that we can occasionally muster 10 or 11 wins before getting humiliated in the postseason. Matthew: My brother, cousin, two friends and myself have had Chiefs season tickets for 4 years. We give the other team a little crap but nothing too bad. We’ve never had any trouble with any other fans until the Oakland game last year. This guy, a fellow Chiefs fan, sits behind us and right away his girlfriend starts telling him to wake up as he’s passing out. He promptly tells her to “fuck off bitch” as he’s drooling all over himself. During the first defensive 3rd down of the game, my brother gets up to cheer and the asshole behind us (who is not paying attention to the game because he’s too drunk to see the field) tells him to “sit the fuck down” and kicks him. We kind of brush it off but he does it again the next big play. A few minutes later, out of nowhere, security comes up and escorts my brother out. The douche who could barely stand went and told security that my brother was cussing at women. Without asking questions, they kicked my brother out. He got a letter a week later from the Chiefs stating his crime: Excessive Standing. Fuck this team. Ben: Len Dawson is my favorite Chiefs QB, and he last played for them 8 years before I was born. Jeremy: We have a wolf in Zubaz pants as a mascot. Why a wolf? Because that’s the mascot of the radio station that carries the games. Why Zubaz? Because he matches the Bud Light drunk mullets in the crowd. I’ve lived in Kansas City for 38 years, I see maybe one mullet wearing guy a week but, go to a Chiefs game and you can’t throw a plastic hair brush without it hitting a guy with a permed mullet wearing Zubaz and the jersey of a player who left the team several years ago. Not a great player, like Derrick Thomas, we’re talking about guys in Dante Hall jerseys. Unauthentic, cheap, Walmart Dante Hall jerseys. Nick: When the Chiefs blew that 28-point lead in the second half of the Wild Card game versus the Colts a couple of years ago, my friend, who I was watching the game with, would periodically look at me out of the corner of his eye from the other couch. Never once to make fun of me, but to see the EXACT moment when he knew he should leave. I curled up under a blanket and pulled it up to my chin with about three minutes left in the game. They lost. He got up, silent, didn’t say a single word to me as he left. No contact at all until three weeks later when he texted me, “God, I am so fucking sorry.” Dennis: I wonder how we’ll lose to the Colts in the Wild Card round this year. Xdikkx: Jeremy Maclin may be the best receiver we’ve had in the history of the team and he hasn’t played a snap yet. Nick: FUN FACT: The Chiefs are tied for first for having the most players who died during their playing career. 122 wide receivers caught a touchdown pass last year. None of them wore a Chiefs uniform. How bad were our WR’s? We thought it was a game-changing move to bring in Jason Avant mid-season. Alan: Last season the KC Chiefs beat both the Patriots and Seahawks. They beat the Patriots so badly it motivated Tom Brady to become the Ballgahzi anti-hero champion that he now is. Those same Chiefs also got their asses kicked by the Tennessee Titans and Oakland Raiders. In fact, no matter how shitty people think the Raiders are, they’ll always beat the Chiefs once a year. Jamarcus Russell has two career wins over the Chiefs. Also, because the Kansas City area covers two states, college rivalries creep into sports debates for no reason at all. Chase Daniel is an uninteresting, average backup QB. Because he went to college at Mizzou, half of the Chiefs fans think he’s great while the other half wants him shot out of a cannon. People think that Jeremy Maclin is an awesome acquisition, while others loathe that they will have to root for a former Missouri player. Kansas University and Mizzou are in different conferences and no longer play against each other. No one should give a shit, but you will hear ignorant fans still debate this during Chiefs games. Jeffrey: There have been more deaths in our stadium’s parking lot during my lifetime than Chiefs playoff wins. Christopher: Our offensive line was so terrible that they nearly got our quarterback killed, LITERALLY!!! Did I mention how we beat the Patriots and Seahawks and yet couldn’t beat the Raiders and Titans? Well, it’s worth mentioning again. Tim: There are teams like the Raiders and Browns who just suck, but then there are teams like the Chiefs that make you think they’re good, and then remind you they actually suck. Submissions for the 2015 NFL previews are now closed. Next up: the Philadelphia Eagles. 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